Hey guys, thought I'd update because I'm having a noisey day today (hoping that writing about it might make it go away or at least calm down a little).
So if you've read the other posts; you'll remember that I can hear my alters in my head pretty much all the time; they comment on situations, food, clothing, people etc.
Now I know I've posted some quite amusing thoughts that Zak and Sammy have said; and whilst they are funny, they are nothing compared to some of the things I hear.
Bick and Rob (the violent alters) can some times get out of hand. Imagine your in a conference room again; only this time, instead of introducing a new alter; someone in there is shouting, screaming; and it's echoing off the conference room walls. This is the best description I can think to give when my violent alters are loud.
What I try to avoid, is letting them out.
Please click here and skip to 3:26. That is a good example of a violent alter kicking off. (If you're really interested in D.I.D, I would recommend the whole of that documentary as a starting point of learning).
Rob in particular, kicks off like that, if not worse. In the past Rob has taken more than 4 people and two police officers to restrain him; so you can see exactly why me and my partner try to stop them from emerging as best as we can.
Violent alters generally believe that we need to be punished. Sometimes I can wake up and find very... disturbing things for me and my partner to find. For example, Bick has written 'die' in my own blood, cut things like 'fat' into me and burnt me. If they communicate to me through their voice or writing, it generally consists of "You deserve to die" or "You deserve all the hate and pain in the world"; or things to that similar description.
Some violent alters can be calmed; but as of yet, we have no form of technique other than restraining my violent alters. You can only imagine the distress that this puts me and my partner through. Not to mention, that if they do manage to get out; they are vile to people with language, and on one or two occassions; Rob has threatened people or bitten them.
Some people try to claim that violent alters are 'possession of the devils', but studies have proven that it is a negative effect of our coping mechinism. It is natural in most cases of abuse for people to go through a period of thinking they 'deserved it' or 'deserve to be punished' for what happened; hence, although our alters are generally considered a coping mechinism or for safety, negative alters can also be produced by the subconcious mind, and in most cases, they do exist; making that the main focus of needing therapy and help.
I have to admit, it's scary, and I try to act brave about the things that happened to me. If I showed how my violent alters really make me feel, I would cry all the time, because they are so horrible, but then if I did, you could say I am letting them win; so I try to act brave to make it go away.
My violent alters are currently under no control, and can emerge at any point, and at any time; one minute I can be me, and the next you could be restraining Rob on the floor or having to call the police to stop Rob from harming me or someone else.
Every D.I.D sufferer will experience different types of violent alters; some people have had some close escapes from dying by driving (hence why I do not drive a vehicle any more); pulling up the hand brake whilst someones driving (Rob and Bick have tried doing this); running into the road; taking overdoses or extreme cases of self harm etc.
I hope this has given you a bit of an insight to violent alters; I hope that in time I can tell you more about mine, particularly when I understand them more. If you have any questions feel free to comment below.
Willow xxx
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